Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Trying to Find Motivation

For years I have battled with extra weight. For those of you who know me you will know that I am not tall. I am about 5'3". My body frame is small and shouldn't be carrying this much weight.

I am an emotional eater, or should I say, an emotional grazer. I don't eat huge meals, but I do snack throughout the day. I know I consume more calories than I need, because I am not a regular exerciser. I hit it in spurts, but that is no way to achieve results. Exercise needs to be on a regular basis. Daily or at least three days a week. With a little one I find it hard to work in some me time to exercise. Noah is an extremely early riser, and by the time I get him down at night, I am too exhausted to do anything, much less exercise. Throughout the day, I am usually busy with household activities and other responsibilities that I just don't make the time to exercise. Andrew works long hours; he leaves at daybreak and often doesn't get home until 5:30-6:00. At that time everyone is starving for supper and who can exercise after eating supper.

I think it is very important that we all sit down together for at least one meal a day and eat as a family. So I wouldn't think of skipping out on supper to exercise. Because of all of the above, I just don't fit in regular exercise. I know, I know; excuses, excuses!!

Anyway, for years I have just been packing on a little more and a little more weight much to my dismay. Last year I lost 20 pounds without really sacrificing much. I started eating healthy and watching my calories. I wrote down everything I ate and keep close watch on calories. I never went anywhere without something healthy to snack on or to drink. Speaking of which-Dr Pepper's have always been my vice! They have been responsible for packing on much of the extra weight I carry. I have quit them several times through the years and lost weight by doing so. But again, it is hard to do, especially when your motivation is waning.

For me, I find that I have to get my mind motivated and get it in gear. It is like my dad use to say; Mind over Matter. Once your mind is on board with what you are doing, then you can do anything! At least I am that way. I can't find motivation, or lasting motivation, should I say, from outside sources, it has to come from inside. I have to have my brain ready to do it, and have my mind made up that I am going to do it, then I can do it...whatever the task is.

Last year after losing those 2o pounds, I did something really foolish...I started taking a cake decorating class with Megan. I had been wanting to do that for some time, but never had the opportunity. So when I found a class nearby that was at a time I could do it, we took the class. Which meant having lots of cakes around all the time! Cake=sweet=my weakness!! So before I knew it I had packed those 20 pounds back on.

With the turmoil of trying to decide whether we wanted to uproot our lives again and make a big move, I started my stress eating thing again. Eating comfort foods, drinking Dr Pepper again, grazing throughout the day...Those bad habits are usually just waiting around the corner, waiting for the right moment to jump back on you! It is easier to go back to the old bad habits than it is to maintain the new good habits. At least it is for me.

Then with the stress of the move and all that goes with picking up your life and completely changing it, I can't seems to get back on track. They say that moving is one of the top ten most stressful events in your! No wonder I have spent my life stressing out! I thought it was just my personality type...

So here I sit, in a new house, a new town, new people, new church, completely new everything except me. I am still the same old me, battling those same old pounds!! Time to do something about it, right?

I think with all the stresses my instincts kick in; that whole fight or flight thing that we learned about in freshman psychology. My instincts were that I needed to use all my energy fighting this thing that was stressing me, so that left no energy for anything else in my life. I had everything focused on moving and all the things that go along with that, I couldn't fight the food cravings and the desire to graze and find comfort in food.

Yea, I know, I think things through way to much!!

But with all that said, I am back to being miserable with my weight. I would love to lose 35-40 pounds. I think I would feel much better physically with that extra weight off. I would have more energy, and God knows I need more energy to keep up Noah! I will also be able to fit into my clothes! I have battled the clothes thing for some time now.

I love clothes! But I am one of those who has a hard time buying for myself. I always talk myself out of buying things. I usually think of something that the kids need so I don't buy for me until I just can't go any longer and I am just about having to run around naked! I am also not one of those people who keep my fat clothes after losing weight. I know people who have a closet of clothes in five or six sizes! I have maybe two sizes in my closet. I just don't have room to keep all of those things if I can't wear them. So when I lost weight last year, I got rid of my "fat" clothes and bought new things. Now that my weight is up again, they don't fit!! So I have had to make myself go buy a few things in my new/old larger size...

Which I despise having to shop for clothes at this size, because I feel like nothing fits decent and I feel fat in everything!

I feel like Garfield--I'm not over weight, I'm just under tall!! If I were just taller, I would be so fat...

Such is the saga of my life...

So, I need to find motivation to get these pounds off again!!

I know what I need to do, it is just making myself do it. I thought of joining Weight Watchers or Curves, but it goes back to that whole thing of finding the time to be able to go and do it.

I have a garage full of exercise equipment, so that isn't the problem. Time and motivation are the issues. I suppose if I found the motivation, I would find the time...

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