I have been thinking lately about all the things I have always wanted to do, but for one reason or the other, have put them off until somewhere down the road. Mostly fear has kept me from some of these things, fear of what, you ask...Well just the fear of the unknown, perhaps the fear that my long held dreams won't turn out to be what I had hoped. As long as they are just dreams then they can be great and grand, but once I actually pursue them and make them reality...well sometimes reality has a way of turning out differently than you had hoped. So the fear that it won't be what I thought it would and I would be...well, disappointed. But I am now facing 41 and entering into the second part of my life.
(read: It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now: How to Create Your Second Life at Any Age by Barbara Sher) And I have decided on a new theme for my "second life". Living Life on Purpose!
For the first 40 years of my life I have just let life happen to me. I have vascilated somewhere between letting things happen and "allowing God to direct me". I don't say that in a sarcastic manner. I still want God to direct me, but I plan to be more active in life. I believe God has a will for our lives but we also can have free choice in that will, and still be on track. I don't know how to explain it really. I guess you would say that I believed that whatever happen in my life was God placing me here or there and allowing these things to happen. Not realizing that by not taking a more active roll in the decisions of my life, I brought some things about, not necessarily because that was what God wanted to happen, but because He doesn't come down and move us around like chess pieces. We have to take action on what He directs us to do. In other words, He gives us the unction to do, but we have to get up and put one foot in front of the other and do...
Yes, I have to an extent, done that in areas of my life, but in other areas, although I hate to admit this, I sometimes played the victim. Victim of circumstances that I felt helpless to change. Or as I said before, afraid to change. I sometimes felt like the old saying, if you put a cow in the middle of two hay bales it would starve to death trying to decide which one to go to first. Well that was me in a way. I was often times afraid to act on something because I was afraid that it would be the wrong decision. I guess you would say that I had trouble making decisions for fear of making the wrong on. So by now, do you see a common theme for my life so far...FEAR!!! there was a lot of doubt mixed in with it also. Doubt about my abilities, doubt about my knowing what was best. Although I have been very unhappy with myself for many years; unhappy on many different levels; I held to the adage The enemy you know is better than the one you don't know. So I continued on the path of least resistance, although internally, the turmoil I have felt inside has been turbulant. I guess I have reached the point that I dislike the way things are more than I fear the alternative. So I am working on me and trying to capture the life that I have only dreamed of up until this point. So having said all of this...
I went to the doctor yesterday. I decided to quit putting off my dreams, and start making strides toward the place I want to be. So I went back to the otolaryngologist, say what? Yes, the otolaryngologist... and I am going to have surgery either on Oct 18th or 25th. The nurse will call tomorrow with all the final arrangements.
What surgery you ask? Well the septorhinoplasty/turbinectomy of course. Try saying that three times, fast.
What is that? Well, I have what is called a deviated septum, which means crooked nose. The bone in the nose is crooked and blocks one side of my breathing and to make it worse, the cartilage has slid to the side and my nose is crooked from a side view and from the front. It really shows up in photo's. And it has gotten much worse as I have gotten older. So instead of lamenting about it, I decided to face the fear and do it! So I am! I will post before and after photo's and probably give more details than you would like to read about when the time comes. But either way, a month from today could be the day or it could be post surgery by several days. So wish me luck and say a prayer for me.
The next item of news:
As some of you know, Andrew's dad had a stroke several weeks ago. While in the hospital with that, they discovered that he had cancer. He has it on the brain, and in other locations. It is pretty far along. They plan to give him radiation and then just see from there. But they pretty much told him to go home and enjoy his family and friends and gave him about two years. He still has no movement in his right arm and hand, but is able to walk some. So he is planning to sell his home, downsize and move into a senior citizens apartment. So I guess he will be doing that soon. They are going to start radiation next month, I believe. Anyway, please be in prayer for him and his family.
I have had several people ask me about Jewl. Well, I don't know what to say. Andrew gave him a day laborers job working on the building his is building and he worked for a few days, and then he slacked up. He didn't show up one morning, said he overslept. Then when he did come to work...well, he was worried about keeping his room that he was staying in at the motel. Afraid that he would lose it. Anyway, he decided it wasn't working out so he went back to doing what he was doing before. He dropped by a couple weeks ago and told me he had found an older couple that was going to rent him a room. So I wished him well and we haven't heard from him since. But through it all I learned that you can't always fix things, even if you have the ability to fix them for someone. Unless they want it fixed, and maybe your solution isn't their solution. Sometimes the reason people come into your life isn't to fix their problems, but to show the love of God to them. Just to show kindness and concern for them. And then they pass on by into someone elses life. So I feel like that is what we did in this situation. We showed kindness and showed God's love and fulfilled what He required of us to do.
Well, other bits of new:
The weather has gotten much more tolerable. There is a hint of fall in the air. It has rained more the last couple of week, we really needed the rain. I am looking forward to days when the high is in the 70's, not 90's.
Noah had his 2nd birthday on the 13th of this month. We celebrated with a little party with just the five of us. He is getting so big. He is very vocal. There is very little that he can't say, or at least enough that you can understand what he is saying. He is learning to count. He counts to ten with a little help. And he talks about numbers and letters. He points to the clock and says "numbers on the clock". He loves Winnie the Pooh. No, he is obsessed with Winnie the Pooh. He can name them all and he calls Christopher Robin, Wobin. And he loves Tigger. He says, "Tigger, bounce" and he bounces through the house saying "bounce, bounce". So for his birthday we got him one of those big blow up bouncing things. He really likes it. So my baby boy is two. He is such a joy and has brought so much to our lives. Of course, all three of my children are such a blessing and I am thankful for all three.
The puppies are growing. I will post a photo, maybe later today. They will be two weeks on Thursday. We have three girls and four boys. They will be registered and we will have them for sale in about four weeks if anyone is interested.
I will stop now. This has been a long post. I will continue the theme: Reinvent your life after 40!!! Stay tuned!!!
Thought for Today
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.